I keep it secret because,

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I feel ashamed of what happened to me.

 This shame permeates every facet of my life. My eyes are unable to even meet anothers when I talk about it, the feeling is so intense.

I feel ashamed because my own father didn’t want me. He rejected my mothers pregnancy, never ever seeing me in real life. Unwilling to claim his own first born, I was left to the care of my mother when I was born in 1958.

Ashamed that I knew so much about sex during my childhood, of thinking badly of others, of wanting to cry  and not being able to cry.

I felt ashamed that I couldn’t protect myself. I didn’t want anything like what happened to me to happen to my younger siblings, so I would submit. Sometimes I offered myself to him in a pretended willingness because he would tell me that if I didn’t act like I liked what he did, then he would go get one of  them. Even though I tried to protect them I felt guilty. 

Ashamed of being poor, being stupid, being young, being a girl, of not knowing how to protect or help myself. Ashamed of how I feel, and think, and am. And even now, feeling ashamed of not even being able to “get over it” all these years later.

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4 thoughts on “I keep it secret because,

  1. My dear, I want you to change your thinking. I will tell you why…You are a heroine!! YOU should be celebrated. YOU sacrificed yourself for your sisters and saved them from those horrible violations. Your father was such a horrible rotten perverted man, he never deserved his family. How dare he turn away from your mother like that and deny his parentage with her child. !! Then had the rotteness to take his first born child and use her like a rag doll, then threaten this precious little girl that if she didn’t like or go along with his advances he would take one of her other sisters and use her for his perverted satisfactions. You were a victim, now you are a survivor, and a mighty one at that!! Celebrate and rejoice your victory. Take all that crap in your mind that you have been holding onto all these years, dig a hole in the garden, take a piece of paper and write all your feelings down, fold it up and cover it with dirt!! Its all gone. Keep doing it until its all gone. YOU ARE RELEASING YOURSELF OF ALL THE SHAME AND GUILT YOU HAVE SUFFERED IN YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU ARE FREE!!! Let it go my dear. You now deserve peace and to be free of all hurt. Its over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kimmysurviving

      Thank you very much for your response. And you know what. That is such a great idea. When I get all of this written down. That’s exactly what I will do. Thank you again. It was the perfect response

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  2. Please Do not feel stupid that as a child you were weak, stupid, ashamed and so on….Children are born innocent. Little girls play with dollies, lipgloss, mommy’s purses, hats and high heels to feel grown up to be mommies to their “babies”…..Not to be violated, and abused by their daddies and forced into sexual acts and perversion. You were innocent. You were not supposed to be able to have know this stuff. You were raped by an adult against your will. How could you have ever protected yourself and could have avoided what was forced upon you?? It was impossible.

    Like

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