my therapist. Or maybe I just didn’t make the best of the time we were together. This become apparent to me when I struggle with what would seem to be ordinary~everybody has an experience with~situations. For example, being betrayed, everyone is betrayed in their lives at some time. Ordinary people struggle, but survive it and many make peace enough to move on with their lives. When a person is an Incest Survivor, they grow up drowning in it. The first time a parent violates a child, the child is betrayed. So for me, making peace with betrayal occurs within a much larger context. That larger context comes because I was so young and it was a family member. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Even in therapy there was no connection between the reason I was suspicious of others, why I had no trust and the betrayal by my childhood family. In therapy, I had plenty of emotional work just dealing with the raw emotions.
Last night I watched an episode of V that made me think about how nice it was to have a clear agreed upon enemy. For those who might not know, V is a current TV show depicting aliens (Visitors) who have come to take over the earth. This particular episode was about Agent Evans confronting someone who had betrayed “the cause of protecting humans and humanity from the aliens”. What was remarkable to me was when Agent Evans said ” I will never forgive you” and walked away leaving the betrayer behind. Lucky for her, the betrayer was killed as an inadvertent casuality of the bombing/gun fight/blood bath that followed. TV, gotta love it.
In the story she never had to even give it another thought after the confrontation. For Agent Evans was betrayed by a coworker, not a family member. So she never had to worry about family gatherings, her siblings getting married but not going to the marriage ceremonies, missing nieces and nephews births, siblings who are ignored and freaking out because she is overwhelmed when too many people are in her house. And this is where it gets even stickier for me, with people who are in your family who betray their fundamental responsibilities to protect children, who abuse and violate boundaries~ all the while pointing fingers at the victims.
Agent Evans didn’t have deal with issues revolving around her family. Which made it easy or at least easier for her to take such a final action. Nor did she ever have to see the betrayer again because her betrayer conveniently died. Sometimes I long for a TV life where everything is wrapped up in the segment. With no one remembering what happened last time, so they start again fresh. New episode, new setting, and new perspective. Probably even new cast members.
I should have spent more time in therapy talking about the betrayal and how it impacted me. Learned new skills in resolving family induced anxiety, my fear of family members and even how to enforce my weak boundaries. I could have learned how to trust again. Had some great memories of family events. Been more involved with watching my family grow and been apart of that growth. But even though the incestuous behavior stopped the day I moved out when I was 17, the emotional aftereffects are still active at 52.