Childhood Sexual Abuse survivors are difficult to get to know.

Standard

Mainly cause we keep so much of what we have experienced inside of us. And once any one starts having to keep something secret, it starts plugging  up emotionally,until it blocks up just about everything. So we feel the blockage but don’t know if we want to start unblocking. We never know what is going to come out of us.

Being abused also is not over just as soon as the last violation is done.  It impacts the rest of our lives. If we are not outright damaged so completely that we are locked out of the public view, then we still have some major mal functions that impact how we relate to others.  We are created differently because we have been betrayed by the people who were supposed to love us and teach us how to be loved.

Emotionally our needs are different, more  primal. Or maybe they just feel more intense.  But the needs of safety and security are the  most active in me.  Consciously or not. For example, instead of liking to be  admired by my friends and family members for anything simple like appearance, looking good, or being nice, I shun it. As best I can figure, it is  because I was going to be hurt and harmed once the family abuser had me in his sights. I will probably never be comfortable being noticed. No matter how long I have tried to get comfortable. I took public speaking classes, I forced myself to learn to teach, I volunteered to give talks about various subjects just to overcome the aversion to personal attention. Finally, I have decided to just going to leave it alone. It might be what people call, making peace with myself.

I think because I will never feel safe in this world, I don’t trust easily. Okay, I hardly trust anyone. That is closer to the truth. The closer you are supposed to be (theoretically) in personal intimate relationships, the less I will be able to trust you. People often mistake my trained friendliness,  both professional or socially,  as being available for friendly intimate relationships. Its disappointing I know.  But this is one of the consequences of allowing sexual abuse to continue in our world.

There is more to say on this like how I see myself as different than others. Not just in matters of attention.  I hope to write more about this.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Childhood Sexual Abuse survivors are difficult to get to know.

  1. Lynn Obermoeller

    I can understand what you are saying here, although surely not to the degree in which you’ve had to experience it. Not by a long shot can I understand that–only those who have experienced such horrific situations. I’m sure mere words can’t assure you, but I do hope that through the years, as your friend, you can trust me. Passing on love for more healing.

    Like

  2. Wow! This is a powerful blog! You were right on your home page when you said that reading this blog would bring up emotions from the past for survivors of sexual abuse. It sure has for me. I’ve only read a handful of posts, and I’m gonna have to bookmark it and come back later. I’m still sometimes blind-sided at how quickly and powerful memories and emotions can come flying at me. I know you understand this. I want to thank you for being so courageous! You said you were doing this to help in your healing, but I hope you understand how much you’re helping to heal other people, too. You will be in my prayers.

    Like

  3. Thank you for reading it and leaving a message about how it affected you. Its important to me that it is more useful to other survivors so we can share our painful secrets. Is there anything you would like to bring up as a topic? I would be very happy to do so as some of my best writing (in terms of content) has been because of suggestions from others who share similar histories.

    I appreciate your comments.
    Kimberly

    Like

  4. You are very welcome. Well, have you ever discussed how to not have guilt when you are starting to get over what happened to you? I was abused by my father, and he later committed suicide. I felt like it was my fault for so many years. Now, I am doing so much better and healing so much from this, but that always makes me feel guilty. I know that’s crazy. But, I still do sometimes. Thanks and God Bless.

    Like

    • Sorry, it has taken so long to respond. I have been out of town and just now starting to get caught up on neglected household duties. Yikes 5 days away make a huge difference. Guilt is not something I have addressed much in my recovery and healing.. I know it is in here, but haven’t really talked about the guilt too much at all.. Did you feel guilty due to the abuse experiences, or that he committed suicide or was it something else entirely?

      Kimberly Coleman M.ED, E

      Like

  5. Michele Morrison

    Kim, just happened on this post tonight….on Facebook…it’s hit or miss in catching timely postings as I’m not sure how this blogging works…I think I “joined” something to get notified through email, but still unsure how this all plays out to see your current postings. Anyway…
    You are so good at articulating the many nuances of your experiences…and getting to know you this intimate way is a joy for me. Is this OK to say? Your abuse is horrifying, but you are being true. Everything you’re saying makes sense, period. Happy for you, Kim. Want to comment more later…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz : )

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s