or what it is I am feeling is impossible sometimes. It’s probably an emotional habit I picked up trying to survive being abused. He didn’t care about how I felt, he didn’t want to know what I felt, (unless it was a sexual response to something he was doing, then he liked that, it was something he could exploit) and he sure didn’t want me telling anyone else what I was feeling.
After years of not getting close to anyone, for fear of what I might say, it just became a habit. Don’t Tell, Don’t Talk and don’t get to feeling close to anyone or else. Or else turned my stomach. I held a poisonous and powerful secret of his. I carried it around inside my little child body. It must not ever come out. Then everyone would know what a bad awful girl I was , even though up until that time he was the only one who could really see what I was, how Ihad the power to create trouble just cause I was alive. I felt dangerous. I felt poisonous. Iworried if I did tell someone I liked or loved what I felt it would be used against me.
Today was a perfect example of not really knowing how I felt or where it was coming from. There was sadness coming in waves, never really strong enough to make it an all out cry, I felt close to tears, withdrawn, and a bit fearful. I felt like I had been rejected and the hurt of the rejection was big. Way out of proportion big. Nothing particular has happened so that I can say “oh, it’s because I …..” . I just felt a mish mash of emotions that didn’t seem to match the day.
Actually it had been building in intensity for the last few day, these feelings from the unknown inside me. What brought it out into it’s fullest force was when my husband had an accident last night.
He hit a deer on his way home from work. It was late in the night, on a dark curve right before he entered the highway. One minute before, or even two minutes later it would most likely not have even happened. But the timing was right. He didn’t sustain any physical injuries, but he felt shook up from the impact and what could have happened. The car definitely fared much worse and the deer didn’t survive. He ended up being able to drive the car home and for what ever reason, he didn’t wake me up to tell me what happened.
This morning though he told me to look in the garage as I was getting ready for an early morning at work. This was his way of telling me upsetting news, by giving me a bit of time to act as a buffer till it sank in. This is helpful to me. Later when he talked to me about how he felt and what it was like for him, I realized I felt scared for him. Knowing what I feel and being able to label it accurately is a milestone for me. Holding feelings in for such a long time makes it difficult to be sure feelings are being called by their right names. Being able to tell him about it shows me I am developing trust in myself and in him.
Even though he doesn’t seem to be hurt other than soreness and a minor headache (that he refuses to get checked out), he did get pretty shook up over the incident. The car is in the shop, he has a rental. We are both settling down from the shaken emotions. I still don’t know where the other emotions are coming from. I try to stay with how I feel until it resolves itself. Often when I have trouble sorting out their source I use a list I have compiled of possible places in my psyche where they can be residing. Current events, childhood sexual abuse,abandonment by my father, my mother, oldest child, normal childhood events, something from my 30’s, intuition, hard to tell. But I am learning how to trust and tell and share my world. It can be hard for me to put the whole emotional sequence into perspective when trust issues are at play, but make it a priority so that I can connect with others no matter how badly I do it.