Saying something means something to me

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When I tell you I have been sexually abused as a child you have to say something about it to me. Even if you are so freaked out that all you can think to do is jump up and scream, then run as fast as you can to get as far away as you can. Tell me that. That seems like an honest response to me. And normal.
But if you don’t say anything to acknowledge what happened to me, I don’t know what you are thinking. Then I get scared and start making shit up in my head about why you didn’t respond. Here is a list of things I have made up to explain why people are silent when I tell them what happened to me. They have caused me and others around me unnecessary pain.
1. I must be crazy, because nobody thinks this is important.
2. I am not important and what happens to me isn’t important either.
3. It doesn’t matter that I exist (except for sex). It’s not anything I do very well but that doesn’t seem to be the prize, is it?
4. I am the person who destroys people with the awful secrets I won’t keep.
5. I can’t keep a secret.
6. That I am stupid, cause if I had been smarter, then I could have stopped him.
7. I don’t want anyone to care what happens to me, it hurts when I feel it.
8. I shouldn’t tell people what is important to me, because they will use it against me when they want something I don’t want to give to them.
9. I don’t have a right to anything valuable.
10. Everyone else is sexually deviated or turned on by my experience, and will hurt me.
11. I was being punished for something I had done in a past life.
12. I am never going to be capable of being happy.
13. I will never be a good parent or deserve to be a parent.
14. Don’t tell the truth, people don’t really want to hear it. Even if they ask for it.
15. It just like he (the abuser) said, everyone will know exactly what a bad person I am and no one will want you anymore.
16. People will be ashamed to have me in their lives and will get rid of me.
17. I deserved to never have another thing bad ever happen to me.
18. I think no body cares what happened to me when you don’t say anything.
This is based on my childhood experiences. There were only four people who talked to me about what happened. My Mom, who wouldn’t believe me. My Grandma, who took me into her house and kept me safe until I graduated from high school. My Aunt Peggy, who made me feel better when she talked to me about it. And my step father (the abuser) who told me I had no right to hurt my Mom’s feelings like I did.
I thought I was going crazy. I thought somebody would say, he is wrong for what he did. Or would tell me why it was wrong. No one put into words that he was the one who was wrong, and my mom was wrong. Somebody needed to stop him. Mom pretended it was just me that he hurt, I know it wasn’t true. And no one was talking about it. To me. But I am now. And my friends are now. Thank God for my friends and the people who love me.

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7 thoughts on “Saying something means something to me

  1. Joy

    Sending love Kim. Your parents were both wrong and someone should have stopped them. I would like to think that if I had been your teacher in school or some other caring adult that I would have done something to help you. You are not crazy. You had something bad happen to you and some people discounted it. I wish I could tell your inner child she is good and safe and happy.

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  2. Lynn Obermoeller

    You’re always so incredibly honest. I love that (not what happened to you), but that you can openly share your feelings. Whether it is your blog or someone else’s (if that’s what you are talking about) or if it’s just in general when someone is talking about something, I know for me, I’m naturally quiet. Sometimes I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing that will make matters worse. Sometimes I need to think on it for a while before I open my mouth. Depending on the situation, it’s sometimes best that I wait until my emotions are in check so that I have a more balanced answer or view point. Then sometimes I just blurt things out – and sometimes it’s good and sometimes not so. And I don’t know the reasoning behind why your mom didn’t help you or believe you, but I just know as a mother, and it happened (not to this extent) but there was an uncomfortable situation and I made sure that person wasn’t around my daughter EVER. Whether there was anything to it or not (which I believe there was), but let’s say there wasn’t, I felt it was my duty as a mother to protect my child. If that’s how she felt, then that was valid enough. It certainly depends on the situation. Okay, I think I babbled enough. Keeping working through it. Keep writing. Keep getting better. I’ll keep sending love.

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  3. Fran

    I am always listening/reading even when I don’t say anything. I wish I had answers to give you, some insight into why people behave the way they do. Hell, I would like answers too. When I think too much about what you’ve been through it makes me so angry, so sad I want to just scream at those that allowed this to happen. ALL of them. I love you so, dear sister and I think you are so brave, so smart, so beautiful.

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  4. Sarah

    Those who hurt you were the very ones put on this Earth to take care of you. I am so sorry no one was there to protect you and keep you safe. Nobody should go through this abuse. Your parents were wrong in every way possible! I am glad that you are starting to talk about it and keeping the dirty secrets no longer. I am also glad that you are now safe. May God bless you always.

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  5. My very close friend’s story is so similar to yours. Dad abandoned her, Stepdad raped her for 9 years, Mom denied it happened. I just stumbled across your blog and I am so thankful. This really helps me to have a better perspective into her life. This crap really really sucks!!! I don’t think I will ever understand how much it does.

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  6. “4. I am the person who destroys people with the awful secrets I won’t keep.”
    This is exactly what kept me from telling for so long. My family doesn’t get it. They always say, “Why didn’t you tell me?”. And for so long it was because I knew it would destroy our family. That it might destroy you. Or that telling might destroy me. Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard for you but it really is helping others going through this.

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