Music

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As a child, I had a few experiences where Jack would offer me money to have sex with him, or would give me money after wards, or promise to buy me something to make up for what he had done. Most of the time it wasn’t a lot of money, but the idea of getting money for something I didn’t want to happen is what complicates and hurts me today. It didn’t really matter the amount of the money, just that it was paired up with something I didn’t want to happen to me.
It seemed to me, he had to have gotten a perverse pleasure from giving me money or gifts. Somehow, it made him think it was okay with me, what he had done to me. He never seemed to feel guilty, but I don’t know that for sure, because hey, I was a young child, and had been raped, my emotional perceptiveness was not all that good. When I think about it now, he acted as if it were a little adult.
He often talked as if it were a shared relationship as equals, not the parent child relationship it was. I don’t know for sure but I suspect he had a thread of it was to hurt my mother without her knowing it directly. Revenge spending, revenge affairs, revenge suing are examples of what I have witnessed in others. He either gave to others what he should have been giving to her, or just wanting to hurt some, preferably someone who wouldn’t be able to hurt him back. It’s hard for me to attribute motives to his actions. I could guess but I am not really sure.
For me, it made things confused and sort of cross wired together. In my mind, things being forced on me, the sex, the money, the gifts and anything I wanted to have or experience.
This is the set up. How it came to be that I had a musical interest I wanted to develop, the promise of an instrument of my Grandpa’s and the shared interest of music. A specific incident happened in 5th grade, involving my Grandpa, music and wanting to learn to play a musical instrument like my Grandpa did (who I adored). My Grandpa was a musician, who owned and could by ear play several instruments one being a clarinet. I wanted to be like him and play a musical instrument, be talented. Grandpa used to play instruments at the kitchen table in the mornings. And play the bass fiddle on the weekends for extra money. I wanted to be connected to the beautiful feelings that hearing music brought up in me. So I asked Mom about getting in the band. She asked Grandpa about the clarinet. I imagine at sometime during this, Mom talked to Jack about it.
Until during a particularly violent rape, Jack tried to make it all better by throwing in that he would let me have the clarinet. That they had all talked about it and decided since I was interested in learning music, he would see that I got the clarinet.
So, I dropped it. I didn’t want a musical instrument; I didn’t want to play in the band. I didn’t want anybody giving me anything. And I sure didn’t want him to keep forcing me to have sex with him. I don’t know how to get to the next part in this story. But I know in my mind it brought together all the things being forced on me. My body submitted, but my mind said no. and in the no’s came all the other things, the music, the beauty of the music, the instruments to learn to play. No to the people around me, no to all the things he tried to bribe me with, the money, the love of other people. So much that I turned off my love for others so he couldn’t use it against me anymore.

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2 thoughts on “Music

  1. Lynn Obermoeller

    And I thought I was scarred regarding Music from my childhood… well, all I can think to say is that you should take up learning to play some musical instrument, even if it’s just for a little while. It might help to heal something inside. I know when I started to play the piano, it brought out a memory that I had kept hidden regarding my mom’s death. There was something healing in the whole thing. I could see you playing the guitar doing some folky kind of music. You have such a beautiful voice too – you have that in your favor whereas I have the voice of cat that has had its tail stepped on! Sing your little heart out and heal, heal, heal. Love to you.

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  2. Michele Morrison

    Kim, I’m always seeing your posts a little sporadically due to my not checking in, or being in a multi-tasking mode when I do see them and then needing to respond at a later time. Please know that I’m also trying to process everything right along with you. I grew up oddly, with a fair share of weirdness and grief, but not around sexual abuse (this time!) and again, I’m so sorry you did. And being kinked-up around music issues?….dang, there are so many double and quadruple overlays to untangle…how exhausting…yes? But worth every effort. I think we all need to do some kind of music…but I look at the pros and count myself outside that circle…not my particular talent and too late to start?! Not really though…we’re here to blast limitations and illusions so opportunities are always there. As we sift through our own physical, emotional, and mental debris fields, we find tools and anchor points that help us out. You know and have many!! I’m glad we’re journeying together… and thank you for sharing more of your heart here.

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