Working with stupid

Standard

Feeling stupid cause I was the victim of a crime is not right.  But I do.

Why should I as a child, living with adults who are supposed to be responsible for teaching me to be an adult,  feel stupid cause they did wrong by me? No really good reason, I just do. What I would possibly feel is betrayed, angry, hurt, lonely, neglected, but not stupid. And yet, there it is still embedded in my psyche.

As I grew up so the feeling grew too.

Later on I added to the feeling of being stupid, the feeling of being humiliated because for years, I didn’t even know what he did was wrong.  When I recognized something was wrong, it wasn’t with any kind of certainty.  Just a vague feeling, that it really wasn’t supposed to be like that for me or for other children when they were growing up.  Part of  thorough healing involves tracing the path of a feeling back to it’s core experience. Once I know where it originated I can decide if the  thoughts, decisions or feelings I have now, are what I want to continue with into the future..  I have experienced great healing and relief from retracing the path to it’s origins.  Persisting to the core despite the pain has brought me clarity.

But I don’t always know it still holds me prisoner. I am trying to come to grips with the knowledge that what happened to me is a crime. It’s criminal action perpetrated on a child. I didn’t label it such but that’s no surprise when you realize I didn’t label it as rape until I was in my 20’s . I quit pretending he hadn’t harmed me in my 30’s. Now I can see it was criminal what happened to me,  that it harmed me and in turn the people who are around me.

Being a child who is the victim of crimes hurts us all. Children don’t know it’s dangerous cause there is nothing to compare  it to and they have no experience of any other family.  When they grow up the healing is complicated. But it can be done. I really don’t know how long it will be until I have a fully healed scar. Until then, I keep working with my wrong ideas of  feeling stupid.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Working with stupid

  1. That last thing you are is stupid. Innocent would be the correct word. You are one of the smartest, most intelligent people I know. Throw stupid away. I’m glad you are working on healing as in turn, you will be helping many others and that is a far cry from stupid. That’s courageous and giving and loving. And you are those things too! xxxo

    Like

  2. Michele Morrison

    An interesting twist on stupid, and I’m so sorry it became a solid thought/feeling pattern spun from your mind and heart and body abuse. I can understand where every thought and emotion gets twisted and entered into the mix of what’s happened and what’s real. What a sorting process. But you’re doing it…making new connections to the truth of who you really are, in spite of the perpetrated criminal activity against you before the age of reason…now how brilliant is that? You are one smart cookie, Kim.
    Love, Michele

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s