Getting a massage helped me heal.


At first, it was uncomfortable. Just laying down on the table induced panicky feelings. I was frozen but not from the temperature, I held every muscle tight. My experience with touch was limited to family members, old lovers, my gentle and kind ex husband, doctors, and the rapist. I had no experiences that would allow me to predict what was really going to be done to me, so I did what I always have done. I held my breath and froze. I just laid there. Face down on the massage table. 

When the therapist came into the room, I was already on hyper alert. My mind was screaming. I didn’t flinch as she placed her  hands on my back. But years of training had made me hold the flinch back. She asked me to take in a deep breath, I tried to comply. She asked me again but in softer voice, “can you breath in and let it out like a sigh?”.

My mind focused on the thought that I could get up if I wanted but, I wanted to try this,cause I was afraid of it. An overriding behavior, during my different experiments in healing from CSA was to forcing myself to endure something until I was no longer afraid. I would keep at it until I did decided I was no longer afraid, then I would have overcome a fear. I would remind myself, I have been through worse.  I reminded myself I could get up off the table at anytime. I could walk out, I am not the little girl who couldn’t protect herself. 

It helped. 


3 thoughts on “Getting a massage helped me heal.

  1. Hello, I have just read a couple of your blogs, as I found your link on google+1, when I did a search on sexual abuse. I know the pain of childhood sexual abuse, I was only 12 when it started, and it damaged me so much. Like you I’ve just started a blog on blogspot today. I’m writing about also being sexually abused whilst in hospital. I am writing as it is cathartic, and I want other’s to see how damaging it is. If you are interested please have a read? Let me know what you think? As like you, I am trying to reach out to other’s that have been through similar kind’s of abuse. It’s always the powerless, children, sick, disabled and the vulnerable that are targeted by these “gutless sicK” predators.
    The link is: I hope to hear from you sometime? I look forward to reading more of your blogs too 🙂
    All the best!

    Blessings to you


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