Getting back on my feet

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It’s a hard struggle to get back up after life has kicked my ass and knocked me face first into the ground. No doubt about it. But I have to do it. I have done this before, build a life, a healthy life after surviving childhood sexual abuse. I have the skills. But do I have the heart?

My husband is dead. 9 months almost 10.  I am have to get back up. But I don’t want to.

Things are broken around the house, too. Like the lawnmower, the chicken coop, the water pressure is down and I don’t know how to get the TV to work in the front room. I need to talk with him about what to do, with the trucks steering, where is the printer program, and what does he want me to do with his piano.

Maggie can’t accept his death. She still mopes around the house. Actually, we both do. We both act like he is just late coming home from work. He is not. She was his dog from the day he brought her home. To her, I was just someone to tolerate. She loved him whole heartedly and when he didn’t come home, her life wasn’t the same either.

 I’m trying to create a life. Even trying to imagine life without him in it seems impossible right now.

My imagination has abandoned me. My heart too.

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10 thoughts on “Getting back on my feet

  1. Michele Morrison

    Kim, I’m sorry Bill won’t be coming home. I’m sorry you are going through all this grief and adjustment to how life has changed without him. I have no imagination as to how I would handle any of it either. I do hold out for magic here, though…another scenario of things being not only OK or tolerable, but gentle and just right for your heart to know that this process of regaining your hold on the good life is the only way through. Sending love, and more and more love.

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  2. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad and lonely and heart broken. Know that you have lots of friends and family that love you… and things will get better. Like Michele, I’m sending love… lots of love.

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  3. I just stumbled on this blog to connect with bloggers similar to me and your writing hooked me. You are so present in your writing it is easy to empathize with you. I am listening.

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    • kimmysurviving

      Do you write about childhood sexual abuse? Its difficult for me, so many barriers to overcome. They are almost all in my mind, psyche and feelings. Leftovers!

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      • I try to find ways to write about it but mostly I write about the family dynamics that contributed to it. I also try to understand the mental, psychological, and emotional stuff too! It’s all mangled up in who we are making it very difficult to educate others about our experiences. This is my blog: frametheshame@blogspot.com

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      • kimmysurviving

        We are kindred spirits!! I live in Missouri but its not the state where the abuse happened. I appreciate your tackling the shame and family dynamics that make sexual abuse possible. Later when I’m able to get to the computer I will look at your blog. Bet I will love it.

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  4. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. I can’t imagine how you are feeling but I know you are a survivor, its clear from reading just this one post (ready to read them all now). Its ok to take down time, its ok to cry, to feel however you need to feel. Keep writing. We are listening. We do care.

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