1. Who I am to be writing this blog? I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor who was abandoned before birth by my biological father, raised by my mother, who then married a man who subjected me to sexual abuse from the time I was 4 until I was 17. I told a Grandparent who rescued me when I turned 17. Later, in my adult life I married 2 times, one that ended in divorce after 12 years and the other was ended by his death from undiagnosed brain cancer after 20 years. I was lucky enough to have a son during my first marriage. I graduated from college with Masters Degree in Counseling.
2. Why do I write about such awful stuff? Because I am tired of keeping shameful secrets that have done nothing but damage to me and the relationships I am in or have been in.
3. Its in the past, why bring it up now? It still bites my butt. The damage didn’t go away just because he quit sexually abusing me. It makes me act weird when its not appropriate and stresses me out. I still have nightmares, and am not honest about my feelings.
4. Who raped you? My stepfather primarily.
5. Were you the only child in the family? No, I was the oldest, but then my mother went on to have 5 children with him. They all swear that he didn’t do anything to anyone else. I don’t believe that to be true. Then in my later adult years I found out my biological father has three other children. But we have never met. Plus my stepfather had children that were not claimed by him.
6. What did your Mom say when you told her? She wanted to know if there was anybody who could verify what I had said? Now we work very hard to overcome the damage he did in our relationship.
7. What did your Dad say first time after you told on him? Why did you tell your mom, now she is upset and your in trouble.
8. Did it mess you up your whole life? Yes is so many ways. But I was also able to experience other sources of joy and goodness. Along with the normal ups and downs of life.
9. Do you hate men? Sometimes I have in the past. But I have had some great men in my life who loved me, my grandpa, my first and second husbands along with my son. And now my grandson.
10. I understand what happened to you! No you don’t, even if you were sexually abused too, there is no way you can fully understand. The reason I say this is because when certain things happened they were unique to the timing in my life, situations and how old I was a the time. Along with this is the frailty that comes from particular life transitions we all go through.
11. Do you have rape fantasies now? Not for sexually gratification, but I am plagued by the fear that someone can still rape me. Its not like there is insurance that prevents it from ever happening again in our lives.
12. Are you crazy? Sometimes. I do have Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that is pretty inactive right now. I have heard it said we as childhood sexual abuse survivors also deal with a Betrayal Syndrome.
13. Are you a dyke, prostitute or whore? Um, that’s a hard one, cause they all sound like something you wouldn’t want to be called. I suppose in many ways they could all be true..
14. How do most people act towards you when you tell them what happened? Most people feel sorry for me and I hate it. But then their have been so many people who are kinder than I would have believed possible. There are really kind and loving people in the world. Along with some who never think about it again. Or talk about it again. Or talk about it at all.
15. Why don’t you dress more like a girl? When I was younger I was told the reason why he did what he did was cause I was beautiful. Now I know he did it cause he wanted to and no one stopped him. But I still don’t want to attract to much attention to my gender just in case. Turns out plenty of people still think the way he did.