How do you know what is lying is when your a Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor

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Since I grew up in the company of dishonest, evasive and lying people, I have an ongoing fascination with honesty. When you’re a incest survivor it’s hard to know what is real and what is not. We often become suspicious, distrustful or gullible. Our shit detector becomes clouded. I am looking for better ways to stay honest in my dealings with others. So when I run across a blog entry that talks about the reasons why and how to stay honest I perk up. #5 in the following article is a doozy.

25 Things People in Healthy Relationships Don’t Do  by Mark and Angel Hack Life

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/06/25/25-things-people-in-healthy-relationships-dont-do/

They don’t keep secrets. – Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and willingness on the part of both people involved to repair it and heal.  All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell her but I didn’t lie about it, either.”  This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies.  If you’re covering up your tracks in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken.  Speak the truth, no matter what the consequences.  Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and others.

Even though Mark and Angel write their blog for the average reader, I find their advice and comments to be true for Childhood sexual abuse survivors too. Especially when it comes to areas such as truthfulness, honesty, being in healthy relationships and communication. All areas where we need clarity and open communication.

When I was a child, I believed my life depended on keeping Jacks secrets.  I thought he would kill me, or leave my mom, or my mom would leave me with him.  He depended on me to keep his secrets. Things he didn’t want to admit to anyone or for anyone to know. They were horrible and hurtful. And he lied to everyone either by denying, evading, hiding or lying to someones face. All are forms of dishonesty.

After living my life hiding the truth of my experiences from the people who I wanted to love, I have seen how it inhibits what goes on in my own relationships. Once I hold something back it’s not long before everything gets stopped up. Emotional constipation. Then it’s just a matter of time before the relationship goes bad. I can’t live in an intimate relationship when I evade being known to the other person. But I didn’t have any role models to show what a loving relationship was like. I never saw anyone who really talked to each other.  I learned how to do it. I learned just like plenty of other people do, I watched others ho were in loving relationships. I practiced and made mistakes with the people I love and loved. I kept trying.

 

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3 thoughts on “How do you know what is lying is when your a Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor

  1. Dana W

    I have two unloving lying parents. Ironically, my abuser (father) gave me a book by Dr. Scott Peck, called “People of the Lie”. It was kind of twisted coming from him. He gave it to me so I could understand my mother, but without realizing it, gave me the gift of understanding both of my parents, who are sociopaths, according to the book (and my life experiences). I am at the beginning of my journey to healing at 31 years old. I have no parents, family, or friends. Telling them the truth about my father’s treatment of me was the beginning of the end of my place in the family. I spent the first couple of years alone, going crazy, drinking until my stomach was so messed up I just couldn’t anymore, and abusing anyone who came near me with screaming and outbursts of rage. Then I turned the fire inward. I didn’t think I would survive the pain. The abuse that I suffered altered the course of my destiny. I have lived my entire life in Hell since it happened and no one cares. I have to just keep moving, or breathing, or telling strangers on the internet. Thank you for your story.

    Like

    • kimmysurviving

      Thank you for telling .. There exist a huge community of survivors. Staying connected is so important for all of us. I hope to get to know you better

      Like

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