40 thoughts on “Too bad there isn’t an 11 th commandment”
So I met this asshole in the bar and gave him the ride of his life. I was totally fueled by the fact he was sitting there and bragging that he can satisfy any woman and women was just putty in his hand and so on and so on. I called his bluff. His ego was sickening and I wanted to show him OH YA? WELL WATCH THIS!! I hooked him and was determined to break him. It went on for a year, cat and mouse, except everything he wanted sex he came to me, and lied to me. I had no idea that he was with a very nice woman and they were engaged. Eventually she found out and had a big fit!! HE TOLD HER LIES and aid that I was stalking him and wouldn’t leave him alone, so in order to keep her, he went down to court and put a restraining order on me for harasssment, along with hers as well. That way, it would force him to stay away because of the law, and keep his lies to her believable.
That seems very common these days. When people are done with you, they run to the courts and say HELP I am being stalked or harassed, and Bam. Your looking at a cop at your door accusing you and handing you a summons or order from the courts.
I frequented our local Eagles club. Volunteered alot and was very patriotic. I loved it and became very busy with them. I was pretty friendly with the bartender, actually had been for years. After everyone had been feed and the kitchen was cleaned, I sat down for a drink. I told him how sick and tired I was of men and all their crap they pull.
He said, “Hey why don’t you try a woman and see what happens ? And I said, well I’m not adversed to that as I had been with many of them throughout my older life, growing up in a brothel, and considered myself bisexual.” He said I will introduce you to one and see what you think.” I said “Why Not?”
So on I went. I met this gal and we had a good time, Actually for the first time in my life I was happy and it lasted 1 year. It probably would have lasted longer, but with all my screwed up thoughts and hangups, I think I turned her away, and that breaks my heart deeply. Now Her and I were a lot of like, because she had been sexually beaten and raped over and over by her brother and cousin. He broker her arm, beat her and loved to make her scream. She was a broken angel like I was. So when I got crabby, bitchy and had flashbacks and got angry about how I felt and so on, It made it worse. I worked and she kept house and cooked for me. I had never been so happy and contented. The first time she left me, was for a young woman, about the age of my daughter. That Hurt. Hurt bad. So I retaliated and dated her best girlfriend. Finally that girl dumped her and she came back home to me, Then a few months later I caught her huddled on the couch in the dark, talking very quietly to some old gal. Soon after she said her curiosity was so great she had to leave and go try her wings. I told her ok. If you have too, but for the second time she broke my heart. This one she choose wasn’t a good choice for her. She was a big diesel dyke, who had a huge snake, that slept beside her bed, a huge dog who slept on the bed, a huge motorcycle, keys hanging off her belt loop an wore flannel shirts. That was relationship she wasn’t happy with and Soon, she came running back to me. The gal kept all her stuff and wouldnt give anything back to her.
Dearest Tess
I will think of you much. I admire your courage and honesty. I have so much empathy with you i feel we have lived a twin life. But I am leaving this site.
Never let ‘them’ win. Your triumph is in getting to a point where you can say “I got better – I have a life”
Sally
Oh Sally Dear, I do have a life. I am strong and much better these days. I feel that I have come so far, and I have so much to give others that are going through this horrible thing. Actually I have helped many others. I am 66 years old and I am a survivor. That’s so awesome. I am married to a great guy that completely understands me and my past so I’m good. Bless you Sally and I am so glad to hear your doing well. It makes me smile. Thank you for letting me know.
Tess
Kimmysurviving – in my comment i meant that you stimulate conversation so you are like a chair of a meeting – you lead on paths where we can talk and clear the long stories we have not just about our abuse but the long term impacts on our lives. It was meant to be a compliment.
Dear Kimmy
That was a crass and sarcastic comment to a poorly written compliment. You have given nothing about yourself – you merely pose questions and abused women are pouring their hearts out. You seem to me like a computerised voyeur. I really don’t feel empathy from you. Just challenge.
I am leaving this site.
I sat for a year staring out my sliding glass door, convinced he was coming back to me, but it never happened. Instead his girlfriend convinced him to get a restraining order on me, lying, saying that while he was at work I was calling her and threatening them. So he did. He was so convincing , he got the judge to make it permanent. I really loved him and it practically killed me. I cried for a long, long time. A year later I finally came out of hiding and went out to a Karokee bar with my daughter in law and had some fun. Being vulnerable I met another “ass” there, and had a 5 day fling for revenge, but I was only hurting myself, no one else knew or cared.
I don’t think that you reacted in a bad way. I bounced from one “relationship” to another because – well i don’t really know why – but it IS like self abuse to keep throwing yourself at men and now i don’t get that – all I know is that I did that. But its not wrong. It is a symptom of being abused. Its is NOT who you are. You were not given a chance to be who you are – but surviving is about becoming who you are. I’m making it sound like we are destined to be something – maybe yes maybe no. BUT I can look back and see little moments when i was not that abused person – and when i made it to therapy i searched my heart beyond that shamed servile and lonely person who’s beliefs had been twisted to get back to THAT non-abused person. I’m getting there.
I just wish it wasn’t such hard work to constantly monitor myself to self check that i am not starting to crack inside again.
And live with horrific nightmares i still get and wake up in a cold sweat screaming.
I was recommended a TED talk which i didn’t understand for a while but did eventually and it really helped me. Its about vulnerability and shame by Brene Brown. she has done a few and i was in the right place in my mind to hear it.
I get this idea that I KNOW things but i actually I don’t move forward until i truly feel and realise them.
No we didn’t. In the 70’s when i was abused, this way of thinking didn’t exist. It wasnt talked about.
I have chosen to take Brene Browns TED talks as a positive. When i saw the first one i really didn’t get it but the further away I move from the very deep shame i felt the more i can appreciate my strength in me and it took me a couple of years to get to a place where i ‘got’ what she was talking about. Its not for everyone. Its about where i have got to. I have turned my negative shame into positive shame. I have emotionally distanced myself from the negative shame and i feel like a new and wise person. Its my journey – this is where i found solace and i know that one cure will not fit all but if we dont talk we will never know how other people survived and if we can latch onto their journey as it ‘fits us’or if it is a journey we cannot take part in.
These dreams went on and on throughout years. The doctor helped me pull it all out, Then learn to deal with it. I was a victim of my dads abuse, but now I WAS A SURVIVOR. There are so many things that I’ve learned through my life about things that happened, having to release the anger and resentment for him. That he was a sick man, and had been abused as a child himself. etc. I was a man pleaser. Anything to make a man happy. Now I realized that I was controlled and was made to learn things that I should never of had to know, because it pleased him.
Ok so, On my own, I couldn’t make it financially so I would have to beg money from my hubby and that was a horrible experience. With my mental instability I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do much of anything. The kids were in school, I didn’t know what to do, so we went back together and split up and went back together and split up. My poor children. They went through hell with me.
One day my daughters friend needed a nanny for her little boy. I took the job for extra money. Now mind you, My oldest daughter and oldest son had already left the nest. But I still needed money to run our house on.
I took the job of nanny and it was a good job. Actually I felt very useful and needed. The little boy was 6months old. It was Monday through Friday and really kept me going. She worked for the county and he worked for the city. I cleaned house, did laundry, bathed and fed the baby, folded clothes and started dinner, then her hubby would come home and I would leave. About a year and a half later they started having marital problems, Of course I was caught right in the middle. He confided in me and she confided in me and my daughter. OMG It was my daughters friend and I didn’t want to catch hell from anyone for breaching their privacy.
It became pretty bad, and I felt horrible as I liked them both so I quit. About a month later He drove down my driveway in a haste. He jumped out and was crying, and said to me, she asked him for a divorce and she already has a boy friend. She asked me to move out, I did and said we will work it all out staying friends, and I went over there and there she was kissing him. I’m devastated. I told him to come in for coffee.
Not long after that, Thanksgiving came along. He had no one so I invited him over to dinner with my family. We all had a great time playing games and joking around. Then Christmas came, and we repeated having him over for dinner and games. Needless to say he grew on me and we ended up dating, then moved in together and that lasted for 7 years. 6 years was great, then he grew restless, and started hanging with his work buddies, and they got him drinking and smoking marjuanna and staying out late. Eventually he met a gal, he liked better than me, and asked me to move out, and said goodbye. The next day she moved in.
I did a similar thing. Stayed in an abusive marriage – twice. The second one I was getting stronger in myself and to be honest when he went it turned my healing into more positive theme and I truly started to come good and think less abusive about myself!
There are good men out there. I have met one and he is my friend and he really looks after me and it is real. He actually respects me. It is not impossible but i would happily have stayed alone if he hadn’t sprung into my life. I was happy by myself.
Aggrievingmum49
I did exactly that. Think I was a lot promiscuous which is hard to admit. But i was a little girl. It wasn’t my choice. I am over 50 and i can now say no. Its MY choice
Do you understand that your boundaries were stolen from you by your dad? He taught you that your body belonged to anyone.
Your triumph is surviving this.
I liked how you said “do you understand that your boundaries were stolen from you by your dad?” That understanding didn’t come until much later, because it happened when I was so young I didn’t even have boundaries.
I found it so very hard to talk about to start with. I still can’t talk about it with my family as they feel so awful they never noticed anything at the time. I have emigrated so that helps with the issue of talking about it.
I found it easier to talk about with my psychiatrist and counselor and in group therapy. They were trained to cope with the intensity of my shame.
Now i see shame as a strength- if I can be vulnerable and still be strong then i think that makes me a good person. If people can’t feel vulnerability then they are in deep denial.
I do feel shame due to my scars as i self harmed and tried to suicide but I find really GOD people who do not judge and i can talk more openly about – albeit in a bit of a wooden way
I think it is talking about it. I never told a soul for 23 years. And i suffered for it -as did my children. I’m glad i talked about it even though it was so hard. Surreal
I hope you continue to talk about your experiences. It helped me to dispel the shame I felt but couldn’t even identify at first. Our feelings can be so intense at times.
BUT it didn’t last. He had already been married before and had a 2 year old daughter. He was still crazy over his ex and missed his daughter and drank like a fish. Every night after work, he was sloshed. Drinking is fine when your normal, but when your pregnant it even smells horrible. So I puked a lot from smelling his breath, it was a catastrophe. Arguing night after night, I couldn’t take it. So I left one night to go spend the night back with my grandmother. The next day he was gone. He left me and the rent was due. My baby to be born in 1 month. I couldn’t pay the rent so I gave everything away and went back to stay with my grandmother. I went to DSHS and got signed up for medical and food stamps. When my check came, I searched for a tiny place where I could set up a nursery. 3 weeks later I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was very happy. She was a doll. I FINALLY HAD SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE ME WITHOUT RESERVATION, who, when I screwed up wouldn’t stop loving me, or if I didn’t want to wear makeup, or was in my scrubbies it didn’t matter. 3 months later guess who showed back up?? Yep, my hubby. It was Christmas and he wanted to play the goodie good man. But he got a surprise. His intention was to come back, scoop us both up and move us to Las Vegas where he had been living. R U NUTS?? NO. I had never been out of Washington state and I was not going to even try it. He proved what a jerk he was. I wouldn’t have trusted him for nothing. So after he said that, he asked me if he could be alone with our daughter and he would give me money to go shopping while they visited.!! NO R U NUTS!! I was not going to leave my baby with anyone but my parents let alone this jerk that was only a sperm donor. He left defeated. So sorry guy. You blew it.!
The thing that we really don’t understand, is that when we suffer or have suffered a shock or trauma that is too great for our mind to comprehend, our mind closes a door, to protect us. Then maybe later on in life, a sense, a smell or a feeling, even an uncomfortable situation can trigger something and we have an epiphany. Suddenly, ready or not, we see or relive the situation that was shut inside for so long and it scares the hell out of us. We act out and cannot understand why. For me, I have always suffered loss. I’ve always been lonely and vacant inside. Always taking care of others, being cheerful and making others like me. Always afraid of rejection. At 16 I started studying first becoming a candy striper, taking care of the elderly, because it was very rewarding and they were so grateful. At 18, They closed the program and closed the hospital. I was so lost. My dad was still hitting on me and I was so sick of him and started chasing boys, grabbing the first one that seemed serious. I got pregnant, got married and left home. Finally away from the sexual obligation shackles I had worn for so long from him.
Hey Kimmysurviving are you like a Chair of survival?
Thats fine I like the idea of stimulus. Sometimes i feel choked inside – like a stomach ulcer or heart in my mouth.
I feel like i landed on my feet. I was fortunate to have private health insurance and access to amazing care through my ‘wild’ years of recovery.
I hold down a full time job with a promotion. I am on my fourth long term relationship. I tended to choose controlling men who wanted me to be something i was not – but of course i was not who I am today. I had very deep emotions and doubt.
But i have met a man with whom i have a very functional relationship. Late in the day – but solid and good. My children have evolved into wonderful successful people who love me very much in spite of the difficulties that we have faced.
But sexual assault is haunting.
I had a bit of a crash recently as my Mum is terminal with bone cancer. It weakened me emotionally. and the PTSD symptoms came back (anxiety, night terrors over emotional, depressed) and i became very upset and depressed that I had been given a life sentence but ‘they’ walk free.
I had to use the skills i learnt in therapy to overcome the despair. I even went to A & E as i didn’t feel safe. My partner was alseep and i did not feel that i could talk to him. I’m not sure how much he understands. BUT I felt that I NEEDED to be in a bed for the night safe and a chat in the morning.
I have to constantly self monitor myself. I still see my psyche every 6 -8 weeks. Even if we talk about the weather.
My partner – well i dont feel from experience that i can rely on him as much as i love him as he is innocent to this heinous stuff.
But I function in the “normal” world and honestly dont think about it constantly anymore.
I didn’t understand what you were saying in the first sentence, could you tell me again.
I think you said it great when you said “sexual assault is haunting”, I’m 57 and still it kicks me to the ground at times…
I am sorry to hear about your Mom’s experiences with cancer, Its hard to watch someone struggle with such a painful disease. My husband died from brain cancer a little over two years ago and its a struggle to get through some days..I am glad to hear from you and hope to continue the connection no matter how sporadic it is..
Kim
I did reply further down the page – i am new to blogging or is a chat line?
I am in Australia and i am guessing we have an international theme. So we are out of time synch. I also work full time and only get a short period to respond and talk to you all.
I want to a lot more than i can as it is incredible to know and feel like I am not the only one out there
I think that this is a great thing, but I am unsure if we are supposed to tell our side of what happened to us in our lives or just comment on the blog owners comments. So sorry If I have been continuing on and on about my life. I do have a online talk line on Skype where we can talk about anything of this nature, and start to begin to heal. We all need to talk about what’s happened and know that we are not alone in our grief and trauma. I am not ashamed to talk about anything graphically or non that will help others in need.
My skype is Tess.Gill if anyone is interested. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing you life. As far as beg unsure about what to talk about on a blog site, the blog owner ( if they don’t like what you say) can always block your comments, or they can say please limit, what you say to ….
23 Months later I gave birth to a darling baby boy. He was the product of a spontaneous love affair and I got hurt, Very badly. I loved that man for over 30 years, He never looked me up. I decided to look him up and go talk to him to tell him mu hurt and frustration I suffered all these years. He was married, and had an major attitude. I told him my story and how I felt and he said, YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE UP MY LIFE AND FAMILY TO COME LIVE WITH YOU?? NOT HAPPENING.
I moved away from the area, from Vancouver to Bellingham WA. 280 miles separating me from my memories. Then my parents sold their home and moved up as well. Well 5 years passed. I was so lonely I couldn’t stand it. I wasn’t 21 yet so I had to bide my time. Then the big one came, and you couldn’t keep me down. I was so wild and completely threw my life away on booze, men and bad judgments and my little children suffered so badly. Thank God for my parents. They picked up the pieces and took care of my kids. Five years later, I was at an Tupperware party and I was talking to a girlfriend about wishing I could find a good and real man that would like to get married and settle down. I was so sick and tired of hanging out at the bars, making a fool of myself. She said I have just the guy for you. He’s older, never been married and has a huge farm and a good job.
I met this man that was refeered to me by my Tupperware lady. OMG he was so different than me. Quiet, withdrawn, stubborn, a tightwad, BUT STABLE. I was pregnant by another man, and he didn’t seem to care. All he wanted he said was a family, He was tired of being lonely, and having no one special in his life. He was a 36 yr old country boy, raised by an onry dad, and 2 controlling sisters. BUT I WANTED A HOME for my children and stability for me. We got married.
It wasn’t a good marriage, and I suffered a lot. By then I had 2 boys and we had a daughter together so 4 children, He loved the girls but was onry with the boys especially my oldest son. Many times I had to stand over my son to protect him against him kicking him or hitting him. My son had ADHD and was called stupid, and not minding him when he spoke and so on. Then my husband called me fat, and told me that I didn’t cook good meals like his sister did, and I didn’t do anything right like I should and so on. It was so miserable. I cried, and cried, then started talking about suicide. I just wanted to die. My mother came over to the house, hid all the knives and locked up the guns and stayed with me never leaving my side. I gave up and went to bed and stayed there, getting yelled at for not having dinner on the table at 5 pm when he got home. Have the animals fed and watered and canned the cherries off our tree. Why the hell was I in bed. Its day not night!! My mother scheduled me a psychiatric appointment and I started going to him. After 5 years nothing. I still didn’t know why I was feeling so bad, and letting this man brow beat me and hurt my kids. My doctor told me to pack up and leave him, this will give me a chance to work through my feelings, and start to heal. So I did. He was so mad. I told him I needed a separation so I can find out what’s wrong with me through my doctor visits. I rented a duplex, and with no demands I started to feel better and the kids too. Relaxing one evening to an instrumental music cd, and a couple glasses of wine, I fell asleep. My mind was drifting off and I could see my dad leaning over me. I was naked and he was doing hurtful things to me. I said daddy what are you doing to me, and he said relax and enjoy it. pain is a good thing, you will grow to love it. Its between you and I you are my girl and I can have my way with you anytime I want. Nobody else just me.
Hello. I am a 66 yr old incest survivor. I was about 9 yrs old when my dad sold me for sexual encounters. He drove a taxi cab and had tons of rich clients who loved little girls. Old people mostly. Then I had to dance naked in an after hours club till 5 am. A full house. At home my dad forced my mother to sit and watched while he raped and sodomized me. I’m doing fine, finally. I’m good with myself and help others to get through the shock and trauma. I screwed up a lot in my life but I’m no longer a victim, I’m a survivor.
Hi Tess
I was gang raped by so called friends when I was 14. My silence lead me to some things I am not proud of. It changed my values into something sad and twisted.
But I did survive even though i wished it had never happened to me as i manage my PTSD. I am strong.
I find that people who have been abused find me- it takes one to know one – some deep body language and in my job as a teeacher i have had the privilege to help confused young people. Including my daughters who were raped by a step brother who was 6 years older than them. You couldn’t dream up this stuff.
I can’t believe the depravity you have had to face. It makes me sick to the stomach.
Well done strong lady. Never let them win!
I thank you for the encouragement we give to each other. As survivors we are the only ones who know the strength it takes to endure sexual assaults and violations.
Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse 
So I met this asshole in the bar and gave him the ride of his life. I was totally fueled by the fact he was sitting there and bragging that he can satisfy any woman and women was just putty in his hand and so on and so on. I called his bluff. His ego was sickening and I wanted to show him OH YA? WELL WATCH THIS!! I hooked him and was determined to break him. It went on for a year, cat and mouse, except everything he wanted sex he came to me, and lied to me. I had no idea that he was with a very nice woman and they were engaged. Eventually she found out and had a big fit!! HE TOLD HER LIES and aid that I was stalking him and wouldn’t leave him alone, so in order to keep her, he went down to court and put a restraining order on me for harasssment, along with hers as well. That way, it would force him to stay away because of the law, and keep his lies to her believable.
That seems very common these days. When people are done with you, they run to the courts and say HELP I am being stalked or harassed, and Bam. Your looking at a cop at your door accusing you and handing you a summons or order from the courts.
I frequented our local Eagles club. Volunteered alot and was very patriotic. I loved it and became very busy with them. I was pretty friendly with the bartender, actually had been for years. After everyone had been feed and the kitchen was cleaned, I sat down for a drink. I told him how sick and tired I was of men and all their crap they pull.
He said, “Hey why don’t you try a woman and see what happens ? And I said, well I’m not adversed to that as I had been with many of them throughout my older life, growing up in a brothel, and considered myself bisexual.” He said I will introduce you to one and see what you think.” I said “Why Not?”
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So on I went. I met this gal and we had a good time, Actually for the first time in my life I was happy and it lasted 1 year. It probably would have lasted longer, but with all my screwed up thoughts and hangups, I think I turned her away, and that breaks my heart deeply. Now Her and I were a lot of like, because she had been sexually beaten and raped over and over by her brother and cousin. He broker her arm, beat her and loved to make her scream. She was a broken angel like I was. So when I got crabby, bitchy and had flashbacks and got angry about how I felt and so on, It made it worse. I worked and she kept house and cooked for me. I had never been so happy and contented. The first time she left me, was for a young woman, about the age of my daughter. That Hurt. Hurt bad. So I retaliated and dated her best girlfriend. Finally that girl dumped her and she came back home to me, Then a few months later I caught her huddled on the couch in the dark, talking very quietly to some old gal. Soon after she said her curiosity was so great she had to leave and go try her wings. I told her ok. If you have too, but for the second time she broke my heart. This one she choose wasn’t a good choice for her. She was a big diesel dyke, who had a huge snake, that slept beside her bed, a huge dog who slept on the bed, a huge motorcycle, keys hanging off her belt loop an wore flannel shirts. That was relationship she wasn’t happy with and Soon, she came running back to me. The gal kept all her stuff and wouldnt give anything back to her.
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Sorry. My Skype Name is Tess.Gill3 if anyone would like to chat with me online. Thank You.
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Dearest Tess
I will think of you much. I admire your courage and honesty. I have so much empathy with you i feel we have lived a twin life. But I am leaving this site.
Never let ‘them’ win. Your triumph is in getting to a point where you can say “I got better – I have a life”
Sally
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Oh Sally Dear, I do have a life. I am strong and much better these days. I feel that I have come so far, and I have so much to give others that are going through this horrible thing. Actually I have helped many others. I am 66 years old and I am a survivor. That’s so awesome. I am married to a great guy that completely understands me and my past so I’m good. Bless you Sally and I am so glad to hear your doing well. It makes me smile. Thank you for letting me know.
Tess
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Kimmysurviving – in my comment i meant that you stimulate conversation so you are like a chair of a meeting – you lead on paths where we can talk and clear the long stories we have not just about our abuse but the long term impacts on our lives. It was meant to be a compliment.
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Oh. I couldn’t tell. Glad you told me.
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Dear Kimmy
That was a crass and sarcastic comment to a poorly written compliment. You have given nothing about yourself – you merely pose questions and abused women are pouring their hearts out. You seem to me like a computerised voyeur. I really don’t feel empathy from you. Just challenge.
I am leaving this site.
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I sat for a year staring out my sliding glass door, convinced he was coming back to me, but it never happened. Instead his girlfriend convinced him to get a restraining order on me, lying, saying that while he was at work I was calling her and threatening them. So he did. He was so convincing , he got the judge to make it permanent. I really loved him and it practically killed me. I cried for a long, long time. A year later I finally came out of hiding and went out to a Karokee bar with my daughter in law and had some fun. Being vulnerable I met another “ass” there, and had a 5 day fling for revenge, but I was only hurting myself, no one else knew or cared.
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I don’t think that you reacted in a bad way. I bounced from one “relationship” to another because – well i don’t really know why – but it IS like self abuse to keep throwing yourself at men and now i don’t get that – all I know is that I did that. But its not wrong. It is a symptom of being abused. Its is NOT who you are. You were not given a chance to be who you are – but surviving is about becoming who you are. I’m making it sound like we are destined to be something – maybe yes maybe no. BUT I can look back and see little moments when i was not that abused person – and when i made it to therapy i searched my heart beyond that shamed servile and lonely person who’s beliefs had been twisted to get back to THAT non-abused person. I’m getting there.
I just wish it wasn’t such hard work to constantly monitor myself to self check that i am not starting to crack inside again.
And live with horrific nightmares i still get and wake up in a cold sweat screaming.
I was recommended a TED talk which i didn’t understand for a while but did eventually and it really helped me. Its about vulnerability and shame by Brene Brown. she has done a few and i was in the right place in my mind to hear it.
I get this idea that I KNOW things but i actually I don’t move forward until i truly feel and realise them.
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She talks about healthy shame. We didn’t have that running our life.
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No we didn’t. In the 70’s when i was abused, this way of thinking didn’t exist. It wasnt talked about.
I have chosen to take Brene Browns TED talks as a positive. When i saw the first one i really didn’t get it but the further away I move from the very deep shame i felt the more i can appreciate my strength in me and it took me a couple of years to get to a place where i ‘got’ what she was talking about. Its not for everyone. Its about where i have got to. I have turned my negative shame into positive shame. I have emotionally distanced myself from the negative shame and i feel like a new and wise person. Its my journey – this is where i found solace and i know that one cure will not fit all but if we dont talk we will never know how other people survived and if we can latch onto their journey as it ‘fits us’or if it is a journey we cannot take part in.
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Brene Browns books are out there too FYI.
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These dreams went on and on throughout years. The doctor helped me pull it all out, Then learn to deal with it. I was a victim of my dads abuse, but now I WAS A SURVIVOR. There are so many things that I’ve learned through my life about things that happened, having to release the anger and resentment for him. That he was a sick man, and had been abused as a child himself. etc. I was a man pleaser. Anything to make a man happy. Now I realized that I was controlled and was made to learn things that I should never of had to know, because it pleased him.
Ok so, On my own, I couldn’t make it financially so I would have to beg money from my hubby and that was a horrible experience. With my mental instability I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do much of anything. The kids were in school, I didn’t know what to do, so we went back together and split up and went back together and split up. My poor children. They went through hell with me.
One day my daughters friend needed a nanny for her little boy. I took the job for extra money. Now mind you, My oldest daughter and oldest son had already left the nest. But I still needed money to run our house on.
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I took the job of nanny and it was a good job. Actually I felt very useful and needed. The little boy was 6months old. It was Monday through Friday and really kept me going. She worked for the county and he worked for the city. I cleaned house, did laundry, bathed and fed the baby, folded clothes and started dinner, then her hubby would come home and I would leave. About a year and a half later they started having marital problems, Of course I was caught right in the middle. He confided in me and she confided in me and my daughter. OMG It was my daughters friend and I didn’t want to catch hell from anyone for breaching their privacy.
It became pretty bad, and I felt horrible as I liked them both so I quit. About a month later He drove down my driveway in a haste. He jumped out and was crying, and said to me, she asked him for a divorce and she already has a boy friend. She asked me to move out, I did and said we will work it all out staying friends, and I went over there and there she was kissing him. I’m devastated. I told him to come in for coffee.
Not long after that, Thanksgiving came along. He had no one so I invited him over to dinner with my family. We all had a great time playing games and joking around. Then Christmas came, and we repeated having him over for dinner and games. Needless to say he grew on me and we ended up dating, then moved in together and that lasted for 7 years. 6 years was great, then he grew restless, and started hanging with his work buddies, and they got him drinking and smoking marjuanna and staying out late. Eventually he met a gal, he liked better than me, and asked me to move out, and said goodbye. The next day she moved in.
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I did a similar thing. Stayed in an abusive marriage – twice. The second one I was getting stronger in myself and to be honest when he went it turned my healing into more positive theme and I truly started to come good and think less abusive about myself!
There are good men out there. I have met one and he is my friend and he really looks after me and it is real. He actually respects me. It is not impossible but i would happily have stayed alone if he hadn’t sprung into my life. I was happy by myself.
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Aggrievingmum49
I did exactly that. Think I was a lot promiscuous which is hard to admit. But i was a little girl. It wasn’t my choice. I am over 50 and i can now say no. Its MY choice
Do you understand that your boundaries were stolen from you by your dad? He taught you that your body belonged to anyone.
Your triumph is surviving this.
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I liked how you said “do you understand that your boundaries were stolen from you by your dad?” That understanding didn’t come until much later, because it happened when I was so young I didn’t even have boundaries.
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Of course you didnt. you were a child. I didnt either. I had to relearn them at the grand old age of 40+
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I found it so very hard to talk about to start with. I still can’t talk about it with my family as they feel so awful they never noticed anything at the time. I have emigrated so that helps with the issue of talking about it.
I found it easier to talk about with my psychiatrist and counselor and in group therapy. They were trained to cope with the intensity of my shame.
Now i see shame as a strength- if I can be vulnerable and still be strong then i think that makes me a good person. If people can’t feel vulnerability then they are in deep denial.
I do feel shame due to my scars as i self harmed and tried to suicide but I find really GOD people who do not judge and i can talk more openly about – albeit in a bit of a wooden way
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I’m so glad you can talk about the sexual violations to someone. From one survivor to another “woo hoo”
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Time is the only thing that heals, and the first step to healing is talking about it!
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I think it is talking about it. I never told a soul for 23 years. And i suffered for it -as did my children. I’m glad i talked about it even though it was so hard. Surreal
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I hope you continue to talk about your experiences. It helped me to dispel the shame I felt but couldn’t even identify at first. Our feelings can be so intense at times.
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BUT it didn’t last. He had already been married before and had a 2 year old daughter. He was still crazy over his ex and missed his daughter and drank like a fish. Every night after work, he was sloshed. Drinking is fine when your normal, but when your pregnant it even smells horrible. So I puked a lot from smelling his breath, it was a catastrophe. Arguing night after night, I couldn’t take it. So I left one night to go spend the night back with my grandmother. The next day he was gone. He left me and the rent was due. My baby to be born in 1 month. I couldn’t pay the rent so I gave everything away and went back to stay with my grandmother. I went to DSHS and got signed up for medical and food stamps. When my check came, I searched for a tiny place where I could set up a nursery. 3 weeks later I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was very happy. She was a doll. I FINALLY HAD SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE ME WITHOUT RESERVATION, who, when I screwed up wouldn’t stop loving me, or if I didn’t want to wear makeup, or was in my scrubbies it didn’t matter. 3 months later guess who showed back up?? Yep, my hubby. It was Christmas and he wanted to play the goodie good man. But he got a surprise. His intention was to come back, scoop us both up and move us to Las Vegas where he had been living. R U NUTS?? NO. I had never been out of Washington state and I was not going to even try it. He proved what a jerk he was. I wouldn’t have trusted him for nothing. So after he said that, he asked me if he could be alone with our daughter and he would give me money to go shopping while they visited.!! NO R U NUTS!! I was not going to leave my baby with anyone but my parents let alone this jerk that was only a sperm donor. He left defeated. So sorry guy. You blew it.!
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The thing that we really don’t understand, is that when we suffer or have suffered a shock or trauma that is too great for our mind to comprehend, our mind closes a door, to protect us. Then maybe later on in life, a sense, a smell or a feeling, even an uncomfortable situation can trigger something and we have an epiphany. Suddenly, ready or not, we see or relive the situation that was shut inside for so long and it scares the hell out of us. We act out and cannot understand why. For me, I have always suffered loss. I’ve always been lonely and vacant inside. Always taking care of others, being cheerful and making others like me. Always afraid of rejection. At 16 I started studying first becoming a candy striper, taking care of the elderly, because it was very rewarding and they were so grateful. At 18, They closed the program and closed the hospital. I was so lost. My dad was still hitting on me and I was so sick of him and started chasing boys, grabbing the first one that seemed serious. I got pregnant, got married and left home. Finally away from the sexual obligation shackles I had worn for so long from him.
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Thank you for telling your way of getting through what happened. Where are you now in terms of healing?
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Hey Kimmysurviving are you like a Chair of survival?
Thats fine I like the idea of stimulus. Sometimes i feel choked inside – like a stomach ulcer or heart in my mouth.
I feel like i landed on my feet. I was fortunate to have private health insurance and access to amazing care through my ‘wild’ years of recovery.
I hold down a full time job with a promotion. I am on my fourth long term relationship. I tended to choose controlling men who wanted me to be something i was not – but of course i was not who I am today. I had very deep emotions and doubt.
But i have met a man with whom i have a very functional relationship. Late in the day – but solid and good. My children have evolved into wonderful successful people who love me very much in spite of the difficulties that we have faced.
But sexual assault is haunting.
I had a bit of a crash recently as my Mum is terminal with bone cancer. It weakened me emotionally. and the PTSD symptoms came back (anxiety, night terrors over emotional, depressed) and i became very upset and depressed that I had been given a life sentence but ‘they’ walk free.
I had to use the skills i learnt in therapy to overcome the despair. I even went to A & E as i didn’t feel safe. My partner was alseep and i did not feel that i could talk to him. I’m not sure how much he understands. BUT I felt that I NEEDED to be in a bed for the night safe and a chat in the morning.
I have to constantly self monitor myself. I still see my psyche every 6 -8 weeks. Even if we talk about the weather.
My partner – well i dont feel from experience that i can rely on him as much as i love him as he is innocent to this heinous stuff.
But I function in the “normal” world and honestly dont think about it constantly anymore.
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I didn’t understand what you were saying in the first sentence, could you tell me again.
I think you said it great when you said “sexual assault is haunting”, I’m 57 and still it kicks me to the ground at times…
I am sorry to hear about your Mom’s experiences with cancer, Its hard to watch someone struggle with such a painful disease. My husband died from brain cancer a little over two years ago and its a struggle to get through some days..I am glad to hear from you and hope to continue the connection no matter how sporadic it is..
Kim
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I did reply further down the page – i am new to blogging or is a chat line?
I am in Australia and i am guessing we have an international theme. So we are out of time synch. I also work full time and only get a short period to respond and talk to you all.
I want to a lot more than i can as it is incredible to know and feel like I am not the only one out there
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You are isolated but not alone. It’s a blog so people can read what I write and can only see what you write in comments
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I think that this is a great thing, but I am unsure if we are supposed to tell our side of what happened to us in our lives or just comment on the blog owners comments. So sorry If I have been continuing on and on about my life. I do have a online talk line on Skype where we can talk about anything of this nature, and start to begin to heal. We all need to talk about what’s happened and know that we are not alone in our grief and trauma. I am not ashamed to talk about anything graphically or non that will help others in need.
My skype is Tess.Gill if anyone is interested. Thanks.
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Thank you for sharing you life. As far as beg unsure about what to talk about on a blog site, the blog owner ( if they don’t like what you say) can always block your comments, or they can say please limit, what you say to ….
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23 Months later I gave birth to a darling baby boy. He was the product of a spontaneous love affair and I got hurt, Very badly. I loved that man for over 30 years, He never looked me up. I decided to look him up and go talk to him to tell him mu hurt and frustration I suffered all these years. He was married, and had an major attitude. I told him my story and how I felt and he said, YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE UP MY LIFE AND FAMILY TO COME LIVE WITH YOU?? NOT HAPPENING.
I moved away from the area, from Vancouver to Bellingham WA. 280 miles separating me from my memories. Then my parents sold their home and moved up as well. Well 5 years passed. I was so lonely I couldn’t stand it. I wasn’t 21 yet so I had to bide my time. Then the big one came, and you couldn’t keep me down. I was so wild and completely threw my life away on booze, men and bad judgments and my little children suffered so badly. Thank God for my parents. They picked up the pieces and took care of my kids. Five years later, I was at an Tupperware party and I was talking to a girlfriend about wishing I could find a good and real man that would like to get married and settle down. I was so sick and tired of hanging out at the bars, making a fool of myself. She said I have just the guy for you. He’s older, never been married and has a huge farm and a good job.
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What a turn around. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Did this come about through earlier experiences with sexual violations?
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I met this man that was refeered to me by my Tupperware lady. OMG he was so different than me. Quiet, withdrawn, stubborn, a tightwad, BUT STABLE. I was pregnant by another man, and he didn’t seem to care. All he wanted he said was a family, He was tired of being lonely, and having no one special in his life. He was a 36 yr old country boy, raised by an onry dad, and 2 controlling sisters. BUT I WANTED A HOME for my children and stability for me. We got married.
It wasn’t a good marriage, and I suffered a lot. By then I had 2 boys and we had a daughter together so 4 children, He loved the girls but was onry with the boys especially my oldest son. Many times I had to stand over my son to protect him against him kicking him or hitting him. My son had ADHD and was called stupid, and not minding him when he spoke and so on. Then my husband called me fat, and told me that I didn’t cook good meals like his sister did, and I didn’t do anything right like I should and so on. It was so miserable. I cried, and cried, then started talking about suicide. I just wanted to die. My mother came over to the house, hid all the knives and locked up the guns and stayed with me never leaving my side. I gave up and went to bed and stayed there, getting yelled at for not having dinner on the table at 5 pm when he got home. Have the animals fed and watered and canned the cherries off our tree. Why the hell was I in bed. Its day not night!! My mother scheduled me a psychiatric appointment and I started going to him. After 5 years nothing. I still didn’t know why I was feeling so bad, and letting this man brow beat me and hurt my kids. My doctor told me to pack up and leave him, this will give me a chance to work through my feelings, and start to heal. So I did. He was so mad. I told him I needed a separation so I can find out what’s wrong with me through my doctor visits. I rented a duplex, and with no demands I started to feel better and the kids too. Relaxing one evening to an instrumental music cd, and a couple glasses of wine, I fell asleep. My mind was drifting off and I could see my dad leaning over me. I was naked and he was doing hurtful things to me. I said daddy what are you doing to me, and he said relax and enjoy it. pain is a good thing, you will grow to love it. Its between you and I you are my girl and I can have my way with you anytime I want. Nobody else just me.
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Hello. I am a 66 yr old incest survivor. I was about 9 yrs old when my dad sold me for sexual encounters. He drove a taxi cab and had tons of rich clients who loved little girls. Old people mostly. Then I had to dance naked in an after hours club till 5 am. A full house. At home my dad forced my mother to sit and watched while he raped and sodomized me. I’m doing fine, finally. I’m good with myself and help others to get through the shock and trauma. I screwed up a lot in my life but I’m no longer a victim, I’m a survivor.
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Thank you for telling us what happened to you. How did it feel to write about it?
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Hi Tess
I was gang raped by so called friends when I was 14. My silence lead me to some things I am not proud of. It changed my values into something sad and twisted.
But I did survive even though i wished it had never happened to me as i manage my PTSD. I am strong.
I find that people who have been abused find me- it takes one to know one – some deep body language and in my job as a teeacher i have had the privilege to help confused young people. Including my daughters who were raped by a step brother who was 6 years older than them. You couldn’t dream up this stuff.
I can’t believe the depravity you have had to face. It makes me sick to the stomach.
Well done strong lady. Never let them win!
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I thank you for the encouragement we give to each other. As survivors we are the only ones who know the strength it takes to endure sexual assaults and violations.
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