I don’t want to talk about being abused because of the way it makes me feel when I talk about it. But unless I do, I suffer. There are strange things that come out of my unconscious. Suppressed feelings. Things that come to my attention from weird accidents, body reactions that I can’t explain, numbness and inappropriate actions/behaviors/words that seem to come out of nowhere.
When I was younger, teens and twenties, I didn’t want people to know how damaged I was from what happened to me, so I hid it. Then as I grew older I thought, I should tell some of them, but not everybody I met. Just people I thought should know why I was acting like I did. Those people could benefit from explanation.
Now I tell people when I want them to know me, people who seem compassionate, loving, sensitive and genuinely interested in me.
The rest I tell through writing.
Through writing I also add to all the other voices of people who have been abused like me. Who are bravely telling their stories. Through writing and speaking publicly. As a collective we can start a movement to eradicate Childhood Sexual Abuse as a experience children have.
But the pain of losing my husband has brought up unresolved pain from CSA to the surface.
It makes me think of Rod Stewart singing
I can tell by your eyes that you’ve probably been cryin’ forever
And the stars in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you, they’re a mirror
I don’t want to talk about it, how you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won’t you listen to my heart, whoa, my heart?
Now I am back to not wanting to talk about it,
But its still on my mind.
And it still poisons my life.
Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse 
I find that many people do not want to hear the pain and grieve of being sexually abused. I find I do share my story with a few people and writing my blog helps. I really stopped talking about specifics after I wrote a timeline of my life in treatment. Sometimes I do talk about it but it still causes me pain. The timeline of my life really healed me in many ways and helped me to start building a new creative life while always tending gently to the wounded self.
I am sorry about the loss of your husband. You are dealing with another wound. Be gentle with yourself and you will share when it is right for you. Trust your life process. Easier said then done sometimes.
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Thank you for your encouragement. It’s hard for people to hear about my childhood, but I have found there are people who do not turn away. I love those brave souls
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Tired of how the sex abuse issue is focused so much more on helping abused girls than it is boys. As a boy the last thing I ever wanted to be known for was being a homosexual. I knew what was being done to me was wrong but I feared being labeled even more. We male survivors for the most part are the forgotten ones. I tell no one but my therapist about what happened. Because unless you have walked my road personally you can never understand just how I feel. I feel it’s pointless to tell others because they weren’t there. So try as they may they will never understand. Why talk about things that can not be made sense of?
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I often don’t understand why I feel like I do. Nor do I understand why he did what he did to me or to others. There are lots of times when it pointless to talk about it. But I do it anyway because he swore me to secrecy, because he told me to shut up and no one would believe me and all the other poisonous things he said. I also talk about it, so others who experienced something like I did, we can be there for each other like no one else was for us.
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Also. I forgot to say this. Thank you for believing me and responding. Your right. Boys are ignored in this issue.
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Back in the day of my childhood, and Im now age 66, child abuse was a family matter. The police couldnt do anything if a man was beating his wife or abusing his kids, but now the abuser will go to jail and a full out investigation starts. It was a closet matter then, and nothing was ever done. Thats why there are so many people in their 40 ,50 & 60’s that have mental issues. They either drink like a fish or take drugs to escape their misery. I know now what my father did to me, and my brother. It ruined us. My brother is an very bitter and angry man. He had a mental breakdown when he was 26. He is now 59 and not at all a good person. I chose to go the other way. I am a very good, compassionate and loving person, and can spot someone who is abused or has been abused in a second and I want to lend them my ear. I know they need it.
Just recently tho, I found out that ny dad had also violated my oldest son 42, and thats what makes me very angry. If my dad were still alive, I would be in his face telling him what I think of him and what he’s done to me, my brother and mother. Destroying our lives, all for the sake of his pervertedness and pleasure. Now left to deal with my own feelings and haveing to deal with my sons feelings of violation from his own grandpa, now that hurts even more. I am a mother, his mother, I want to fix it and I cant, and thats so hard for me because I ask myself, Whay didnt I notice? why didnt I see the signs? Or was there any signs? He was just too affraid to tell me he said, because he didnt want to make any trouble. Well me and my baseball bat would of had a hay day on that deal for sure. Now its too late.
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Tess, you add so much to this blog, It shows how unspoken sexual abuse keeps on impacting each generation.. I am so sorry to hear about all the damage to your family. How do you keep going?
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Hello again everyone, On the last level of posts, the person reads, ….”It still poisons me”. All I want to say is, It never goes away. Some days are better than others and somedays are worse, and less tolerable. Even though I consider myself “healed and in great spirits most of the time,and in control, Im not. Bam, it starts all over again. I will never say it doesnt hurt, or its all over as we get older, it sucks. No one can ever feel what we feel or walk in our shoes, so All I can say is, take one day at a time. Give thanks for whats good in your life, and strive to get through another day unscathed. If your angry, mad, sad, or whatever, thats ok too. No one can ever tell you how low it takes to get over something this traumatic, maybe you will and maybe you wont, but good luck everyone. I pray for healing of all who has been hurt and pain than has been inflicted upon the innocent. We are the innocent and someone has taken that from us, Stay strong and do the best you can do. Its all time sensitive. Bless you.
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Thanks Tess. People have asked me why I am not over it yet. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way does it.
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Our minds are very complex and very deep. When each and everyday someone tells you something, over and over and over again you will believe it. You have to. Your forced to whether its right or wrong. Through time, it becomes second nature, even though it hurts and makes us uncomfortable. When suddenly one day, everything has changed, but you havent. Your stuck and your mind is still programmed, then becomes numb. Then something you see or hear makes you feel weird, wrong, uncomfortable and you realize that all the stuff you know is bad,.It makes you feel bad, and you were doing bad, then the guilt comes, with I should of fought back, or I shouldnt have listened to him….. It was not our fault we were victims, BUT HOW can we erase all of that in our minds? How can we start over and forget all the stuff we were forced to hear and learn? Because as great as I feel, I still have days and it hurts all over again. And it comes in all shapes and sizes…..Boys and men can feel it too. They have been a abused as well. Now you think that it only happens to us girls because we are weak, Your wrong. Its in men too. and we dont even think about that do we? I have 2 guy friends whom were abused bu their mothers and raised as girls, and tortured because they arent. Its sad. BUT WE MUST KEEP FIGHTING. Dont give up. Take each day and make it the best you can. If you can, find one person who you dearly care about and share your feelings. You must release yourself, or you will go crazy. Then they win, No You want to win and become stronger.
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Agreed. And thatnks for including the males who have been abused as children too..
On Sun, Oct 18, 2015 at 6:06 PM, Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse wrote:
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My heart goes out to you. When your ready you will talk about it. But it sounds like you are in to much pain.
stay strong.
rich
justanothersurvivror.wordpress.org
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Why not talk about horrendous wounds. One freely talks about a car accidents, surgeries, or if one had been abducted by a stranger and molested, raped or abused. Yet within the family system the girl-child is sacrificed, expected to stuff it where it festers and grows.
Kill her too? Her innocence murdered now her soul? Her body? Her mind? Her self?
You would be OK talking about such horrific wounds if others listened with open hearts and minds. It is necessary in order to eradicate it.
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Agreed, I talk about it more than I ever did. The urge to talk about it comes and goes. I think it depends on a variety of factors. Have you noticed anything like it in your life, where sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes maybe?
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I don’t, or very rarely, talk about any of it in my day to day life…occasionally with my husband, or I might mention it broadly at the dental office when I began at it new one…to describe why it’s so hard for me.
I ‘talk’ here and in my book with a freedom I’ve never known.
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I’m sure if I answered your question, which YES! Sometimes I don’t feel a great need, yet other times very much so.
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…I still can’t talk about it really. Please don’t stop writing. Please speak for me.
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