Identify the Victim, Identify the Perpetrator

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According to my stepfather, he was the victim of my sexual abuse. In his way of thinking, he wasn’t responsible for what happened between us.

He said over and over to me “See how much you want me Kimmy”, “See what you make my dick do Sissy” and “I can’t help myself, Sissy, you are so beautiful.” To him, I wanted him. He would do things to make sure I was sexually excited and then tell me ” See how much you want me?”

Because he had said things like this to me for years, I thought it was my idea to have sex with him. This was one of the reasons I felt guilty when I told, I thought I was telling on myself.

It was the summer of 1975 when I told Mom Jack and I had been sleeping together. I sat in a folding lawn chair in the backyard. My body felt heavy like I wasn’t going to be strong enough to hold myself up. I felt it everywhere. I was breathing shallowly, feeling slightly dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

When I said, “Jack and I had been sleeping together”… (wrong I know now). I remember thinking I would be in so much trouble because I had wanted to do all those bad things. Somehow at the age of 4, I had the idea to have oral sex with a grown man, somehow, it was my idea, I felt like I was telling on myself for having done something wrong.

It was disastrous telling her, she responded by asking was there anyone else who knew. I said yes, my uncles, cause Jack had tried to get them to have sex with me. So she left to talk to them about what happened. That was it. No nothing else.

Later Jack came home and asked where she was. He told me to get the kids in bed, so I climbed in bed with my little sisters, while the boys got in bed in their room.

We all fell asleep. Later I woke up with Jack and Mom arguing in the kitchen, Mom saying “why would she say something like that?”

He responded with I don’t know, maybe she didn’t want to do the dishes anymore.

They were back and forth for the longest time while I drifted off again. There was a little bit of hurt when he said what I had told was being reduced to something so petty as not wanting to do dishes.

Later, he complained to me about how I had upset my Mom and gotten him in trouble.

So when I look back on this I realize that I thought I was the problem, I caused him to do what he had done for years. It took years for me to correct my own thinking. I didn’t cause him to do anything, He did it. He was the perpetrator, he was the criminal, I was a child, I know now how I had to distort my own thinking in an effort to cope with the things he did to me and how I tried to make sense of it in my young child mind.

And recovery takes so long because there is so much sorting out to be done. Because I was so young, I didn’t have a basis for what was wrong or right. And my whole childhood was built around those lies he told me.

Now I can identify that I am the victim, he was the perpetrator of a series of crimes. Not just to me, but my whole family.

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11 thoughts on “Identify the Victim, Identify the Perpetrator

  1. With intervention, I believe a child can recover quickly and fully. That is generally not the case. She takes it all in and blames herself, and the attacker, like yours, psychologically abuses too by making such horrific statements to you, that of course you believe. That’s what children do.
    Is it OK to say what a pig he is? So horrendous to say those things to a little child.

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  2. johntchance1948christinemcateer

    I completely identify with your story of being aroused. My father brought me over and over again to a state of arousal and talked about my lovely little body. I also felt that it was always my fault. What is done to our minds and hearts is unforgivable. You have great courage. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Kelli

        I had no idea. I too was sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend. I hate him for this yet never told anyone. I thought I was supposed to do these things. And was afraid to tell because I thought I would be trouble. It took me years to get over the abuse. I became a christain and released my emotions. God bless you and thanks for sharing.

        Liked by 1 person

      • kimmysurviving

        Thank you for telling what happened. We were all afraid of getting in trouble. Glad that we are learning to no longer be as afraid as we were.

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  3. After reading your story, i feel like mine does not even compare to what you went through. I know we can not rate the abuse based on the events, we are all effected in different ways. But you have amazing courage for speaking out about this. I have just started speaking out about mine, and i also do it through writing. I find that it is the best therapy for me. I used to keep hand written journals but my ex husband got it and read them, and used it against me. I went from being molested almost everyday from age 2 to 8, and then i got older and decided i needed to get away from my mom. So i went with the first guy that showed me ( what i thought was love) I was 15 when i moved out of my moms house and in with my ex husband. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Please my blog @ http://www.10stepstobecomingasurvivorofabuseofallforms.org/

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Michele Morrison

    Kim, of course the beautiful innocent child of yourself had no recourse but to accept your world and reality as “offered” up by horrid circumstances You are not crazy to feel or think anything inappropriate about untangling your perceptions. Sending love…the real deal, that heals all wounds.

    Liked by 1 person

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