Reasons its important to tell


So it won’t eat up your emotional life. Are you holding back to protect the abuser or some other family member?

So you don’t miss the opportunity to love another person and have them love you for who you are, if you want to.  Really, really know you, who you are,  wounds and all. 

The general public has no idea how many people are sexually abused as children.  Making it personal makes it real.

The general public has no idea what childhood sexual abuse does to us, the children.. Help them know  

By telling others, it will dispel the ignorance.  People treat us ignorantly when they are not educated about childhood sexual abuse.

So we don’t hide our history of abuse.  Were not safe just cause we don’t tell. It doesn’t protect us  

So we don’t  protect criminals. We may love them because they are our parents or siblings but they have to be stopped.

So we can get clean, clear honesty into our lives.Its the one thing that will help us stay sane.

 So we start to know that we matter (are important) and worthy again. (or maybe for the first time if you were very young when it happened). They taught us what we wanted and needed didn’t matter, but thats not true. 

By telling we develop self esteem.  We learn we are valuable, capable and able to be effective in protecting ourselves.

We learn to increase our Self approval.   Are you learning to approve of yourself instead of wanting the approval of your abuser (by not telling what happened)?

So we acknowledge just how much it hurts. Telling will put us on the right track to emotional maturity, instead of being buried at the age of our violation.

So we can become fully alive. Instead of staying our young wounded self. 

By telling people, we are no longer isolated as we were when we were being assaulted. Being emotionally free we can choose to be alone, which is different than being alone frozen in our past. 

Freedom will come when you take the risk of telling.Telling another person about our experiences, the truth of our experiences is a big turning point in our healing.Take your time, take it slow but do it. Speak up and out. Their sickness can only exist in the secretive darkness perpetrators rely on to keep violating children.


Can you think of more?


Because we shield the abusers, we make it possible for them to continue their behavior. Exposed facts will educate others to the seriousness of the problem


We have to show them the ugliness we have been exposed to.


Understanding shame and money in childhood sexual abuse recovery


Shame permeates a sexual abuse survivors life. From the first violation, to our last breath on earth, shame poisons being able to feel the fullness of life. Dismantling the damage from sexual abuse takes a  lifetime of  work. It is done in bits and pieces. When the work is even mildly successful the goodness accumulates,for example, a little less body shame results in more positive feelings about being a woman, a little less fear  from emotional betrayal, a little more freedom in relationships.  But they are bits that cost us dearly in our lives, the struggles, our tears, and our bodies, while  our resources  are consumed with healing. Instead of being able to put it towards improving our lives.

Lately I have become acutely aware of how the misplaced shame of sexual abuse spreads its poison in areas other than my personal relationships. Its coming to the front  in my financial life.  These shameful core feeling seems to center around being what I will accept from others in terms of material goods (including cash).

What little I thought about money when I was growing up, took a real downturn when I was forced at times by Jack (the perpetrator), to perform sexual acts. Then he would force me take money for it. Someone explained to me it was to make him feel okay about what he did. Then there was nothing wrong  in his mind with forcing a child to have sexual activity with him.  I was not able to stop what he was doing to me. My seven year old mind in an effort to make sense of what he did, twisted all the those events around. Resulting in twisted, distorted thinking. I didn’t want him to hurt me, I didn’t want his money, but I did want someone to love me.  To me,even today, whenever I get money, it means what he did was okay.  To an adult mind, that would ludicrous. To a child who is learning about the world it is  just what happens.

Since I am not a physical child any more,  I have plenty to reexamine about the things that happened. Then I can change the way I am thinking when it’s distorted or plain out wrong.

In general, I have created a process that works for me, so that I can heal. What follows is the process I use to help me discover what inside of me that needs healing next. There are times when I am feeling particularly strong, when I will choose  an issue and ask in prayer and contemplation for my life experiences to illuminate what I currently believe.  Usually it doesn’t take long before it’s some form of chaos erupts that shows me what is held in my mind or heart. Once this chaos has happened, I spend some time writing down the details. When I do journaling on the events, its to get everything down on paper. This is a great time for insights to emerge. Sometimes its immediate, during the writing or more likely, it comes shortly there after. Then I can make conscious choices about what I want to continue on doing and what to eliminate. Currently I am trying to find an antidote for this issue of  financial shame .

What follows is a partial list of the points that came out of writing about 15 pages of journaling.

As I am waiting for a newly accepted job to actually start, I doubt if I did the right thing for me. I realize  I might be wasting time. Am I doing the right thing by waiting?  Its been seven weeks since I accepted the job and due to construction problems the building is not ready. So I am spending a lot of  time wondering if I am unduly loyal?  Am I setting my self up for betrayal since I don’t know the people enough to trust them well? Another thing is how much I hate having to ask for money? Even if its a unanticipated emergency borrowing of sorts. Just enough to carry me through this time of unemployment. I wonder how its impacted me that my biological father wouldn’t claim or support me, even to his death. I tell myself that I wasn’t important enough to matter. It’s similar to not mattering to God, the creator of life. When I was worth something, it was for something I shouldn’t even know about, being useful for sex.  I didn’t want to be useful for sex. But sometimes, my stepfather gave me money  after he raped me. Am I a child prostitute? I thought I had to suffer to have money.  I didn’t want in those cases. And on top of all that twisted mess, was the fact that we were poor. There was no money to learn to manage. Just fights about spending it on beer, or things that would be repossessed  or taken away for no apparent reason. No use in trying to earn money or save it, since it would be taken by those who were bigger than me.

These thoughts are part of the poison in my water,  making my financial life unfit to support me. I am dying of thirst and trying not to drink. Its affecting every dream I have attempted to fulfill. The relationships I am involved in and all the ones I have left.

Shame and unworthiness are intertwined. I am deciding now how to manage what I have uncovered in my recent daily life. I will journal more about the points about and confront them, counter them and practice new ways of thinking to help correct my financial life. Having higher self esteem in being able to provide for my self will lead to a healthier life. This shame I feel is directly affecting my financial life that is fed by my employment.

Getting a massage helped me heal.


At first, it was uncomfortable. Just laying down on the table induced panicky feelings. I was frozen but not from the temperature, I held every muscle tight. My experience with touch was limited to family members, old lovers, my gentle and kind ex husband, doctors, and the rapist. I had no experiences that would allow me to predict what was really going to be done to me, so I did what I always have done. I held my breath and froze. I just laid there. Face down on the massage table. 

When the therapist came into the room, I was already on hyper alert. My mind was screaming. I didn’t flinch as she placed her  hands on my back. But years of training had made me hold the flinch back. She asked me to take in a deep breath, I tried to comply. She asked me again but in softer voice, “can you breath in and let it out like a sigh?”.

My mind focused on the thought that I could get up if I wanted but, I wanted to try this,cause I was afraid of it. An overriding behavior, during my different experiments in healing from CSA was to forcing myself to endure something until I was no longer afraid. I would keep at it until I did decided I was no longer afraid, then I would have overcome a fear. I would remind myself, I have been through worse.  I reminded myself I could get up off the table at anytime. I could walk out, I am not the little girl who couldn’t protect herself. 

It helped.